I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋