The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Had an epiphany today.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.