I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
me irl
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.