“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps