my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
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When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B