I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
This has made my week.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
If only
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I know karate and tons of other words.