My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.