THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents