I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?