*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.