Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
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Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening