officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what to do
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.