interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
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*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.