My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.đ˘
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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finally found a reasonable question
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess thereâs no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool âĽď¸ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
asking santa clause for nudes
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
itâs not tv, itâs hbo. but hereâs the thing, itâs also not hbo
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
nyc:
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said âyouâre not my dad!â and another immediately yelled âburrrrrrn!!â
i donât think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said âgoing up?â And he said âcertainly. Canât go down from hereâ old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon Iâll have to date a were-chicken.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said âprobably snacksâ
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I donât.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes âbecause stuff from the 1900s is back in styleâ and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teenâs mouth out with soap.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.