SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
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[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
huge if true: the moon
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
🍞🦆
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated