As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation