(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
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sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?