the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Discuss
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe