*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
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I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
meanwhile over on facebook
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
He’s dead