My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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and that’s why I’m fat🤭
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.