I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit