*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If a snake ate a cake
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
That’s fair
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Seekh Kebab
Not attention