AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!