i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
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Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.