After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Well, shit
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Not today. 😅
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂