me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
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Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
*limbos away from your hug*
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.