today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.