FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.