Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
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Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I don’t think my car can fly
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*