Chicken bread
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Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
This could be us but you eatin’
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.