When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
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I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.