I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
You Might Also Like
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
You better watch out
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History