“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Saturday
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket