$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
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colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.