What the hell happened in there??
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Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.