She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?