You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.