she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Most fashion shows these days…
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.