“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
it must be school picture day
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
WHO DID THIS?