All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice