pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
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Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”