My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
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Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Delightful if true: booby trap.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Alexa: *deep breath*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.