my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Hey! This isn’t my car!