Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Facebook memories be like
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!