Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
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My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Oh we’ve met.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
whenever i wake up before my alarm
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.