If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
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If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.