Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Steam Forums
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?