From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
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{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.