I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
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If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Simple enough.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.