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Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.